Can you change someone who doesn’t want to change? Can the actions you take improve or lower your mood? Is it all up to you?
I recently worked with a coaching client who had fallen into a cycle of poor sleep, negative rumination, and lack of motivation in work and life. He was mildly depressed and woke up most days feeling ‘meh’.
His workplace had engaged me as a Wellbeing Coach because the traditional pathways, EAP, GP, etc didn’t provide significant results. He’d been seeing a psychologist for 6 months and he’d tried antidepressants, but felt like even that was not making a significant impact. This organisation had bent over backwards to accommodate him. A year prior he moved to a new team and got along with his manager and colleagues. They’d reduced his workload and been highly flexible with where and how he worked.
What do you do in a situation like that?
This is a question I’ve been interested in for a while. When work is accommodating, therapy is given, and a person is still languishing. What happens next? Now this question and the intricacy of a situation like this goes beyond the scope of a short article. But what I will talk about is how small changes in what we do can impact how we feel.
Mood and Behaviour: A Two-Way Loop
Something we want to keep in mind is how intimately linked behaviour and mood are. It really is a chicken and egg scenario because taking action can lead to feeling better. A great example of this is movement and exercise which can release neurochemicals that naturally boost dopamine. On the flipside, being in a low mood can reduce your interest in participating in activity making it hard to get that spark to get started. And it isn’t just exercise. It relates to anything in life that is initiated by that person: doing the washing up; getting to work on time; taking the time to chop up veggies.
This is the paradox that someone in a rut often experiences and it can be hard to shift out of this using willpower alone. There are plenty of options to try to improve the situation. One of the first things I point people towards is just building self awareness, because often we find ourselves in these situations without realising it. It can take an external person to help you step back and observe the patterns you’re stuck in. In workplace training I walk people through this and support them in building a simple activity toolbox that fits within their schedule, which then gives them an easy script to follow for behavioural activation.
For someone in a low mood, scheduling activities that are rewarding and meaningful can help to lift yourself out of it (Dimidjian et al, 2006). So think about how you can take action first, trusting that motivation and often mood will follow. One caveat is that this should be adjunctive to clinical treatment if someone has a diagnosed mental illness. But as a protective factor for someone without a diagnosed illness, this type of action might be a fantastic option.
How Habits Form
One of the most common misconceptions about habit formation that still pops up in conversation today is that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. The truth to it is that it takes anywhere from 18 to 254 days (median 66), depending on the action and how much friction there is for the person doing it (Lally, et al, 2010). What we need to bear in mind is that this number changes depending on what the behaviour is, what environment that person is in, how much support they have, how complex the behaviour is, and so on.
So if you feel like a new habit is still taking a lot of effort after 3 weeks, or if you miss a day here and there, it doesn’t mean you won’t embed this change. What it does mean is that it is worth looking at what you can change and do within the environment to make it easier. When I work with clients 1-1 or in workshops, I help them to map out realistic time-frames because change might take more than 66 days to feel natural.
If you know that a mindfulness practice will help you manage your stress, but you always run out of time in the mornings, take a look at your morning routine and find the friction. Is there something you can prep the night before to free up 5 minutes the next day? Can you ask someone for support to duck away for 5 minutes practice? Do you need to adjust your night-time routine to make your mornings run better? This is what looking at the cues, support, and environment look like.
Reliable Behaviour Change Techniques
So how do you actually help your brain to move into ‘ready to change’ territory? There are different techniques that you can use that really help you get started and stay on track. One technique that I find really effective is actually incredibly simple. It’s called the ‘If-then’ technique (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006). What this looks like is planning an action you want to take, and linking it to a simple trigger.
Here are some examples:
If it’s 6am, then I put on my walking shoes.
If it’s 9pm, then I put my phone away.
If it’s lunch-time, then I step away from my desk for a stretch.
If I have a team meeting, then I take 10 slow breaths.
In my live sessions with groups I teach ‘if-then’ planning and self-monitoring as hands-on skills, not just theory. Participants work with their own schedules and plans to create ‘if-then' scenarios that work for them. This builds a sense of self-determination and ownership over the change, which has a much stronger impact than having someone tell them what to do.
Motivation and Mindset: Is There A Place For Them?
Speaking of self-determination, research shows that giving someone the opportunity for autonomy and aligning it with their values is often a strong predictor that the change will last. This is a tricky concept when we look at something like lifting a low mood. Sometimes that pressure might have to come from outside initially, e.g. your doctor prescribing stress management alongside rest. However, the goal is always to build a sense of competence and self determination over time, so you begin making choices and building habits that align with your inner drive.
Another important characteristic which is often left out of these conversations is self-compassion.
Change is hard.
Even moreso when you’re not feeling great to being with. Studies show that speaking kindly to yourself after failure is more likely to increase motivation to improve (Breines and Chen, 2012). It might not be something you’re used to doing, but speaking to yourself with a kind inner voice might be the key to lasting change. And, as a bonus, self-compassion is known to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, a system that soothes and opens up engagement.
When I work with teams, we spend time clarifying values because when values and action are aligned, change is more likely to last.
Your Lifestyle Foundation
You might be thinking that this all sounds well and good, but where can you even start when things feel overwhelming? My advice to anyone trying to lift a low mood is to start small. And the best place to begin is with exercise and social connection, two things which are likely to have the biggest and most immediate impact.
There are swathes of studies out there now showing the benefits of exercise for mental health. For example, an umbrella study conducted by Singh et al found that physical activity reduced depression, anxiety, and distress (2023). But you don’t need a study to know this. Just think of how it feels to step out for a walk, or the sense of satisfaction after 45 minutes sweating it out at the gym.
Equally, social connection has plenty of positive research to show just how protective it can be for health and mental health. A 2010 meta-analysis found that strong social relationships were linked with higher chances of living longer (Holt-Lunstad et al). Sometimes it takes a little effort to get yourself out and meeting people, but it’s almost always something you won’t regret.
Final Message
When we talk about mood, we have to remember that it is complex and there’s not always an easy answer. But, it’s very empowering to know that there are tools that often do help people to shift themselves towards feeling good. Sometimes we get into patterns that don’t bring the best outcomes, and a few small changes might mean the difference between having a bad day or feeling excited and grateful.
A caveat to this though is that behaviour change and mood-lifting lifestyle changes should complement treatment but it shouldn’t replace it.
If you feel like there’s room to use behaviour change to improve your mood, I invite you to pick one small action to try. Choose something that takes less than 5 minutes. Give yourself a cue - e.g. ‘If I sit down to dinner - then I take a minute of gratitude’, and find a way to track it. You can use your notes app, a pen and paper, your schedule. Notice if there are any shifts over the next few weeks, but remember, it takes time to create good habits.
For more support, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia, or please contact your GP or professional help line.