After the ‘Are You Ok?’ Conversation - How to Have it Well
‘Are You Ok?’ Day has come and gone for another year and I want to acknowledge the many voices shouting about the tokenistic nature of asking a question like that in a toxic workplace. Understandably, many people feel disenchanted with their leaders when they’re simultaneously holding the spoon to and slapping the face of the people serving them.
And I agree. No-one wants to work in an environment that champions a well-meaning day like this while also ignoring the pleas for more support.
This is why a question like this, which is essentially a wellbeing check-in, should never be asked just one day a year, and it needs to be built into a culture of care.
Leaders should be building this conversation in by default, moment by moment creating a culture of care and attention. That’s how you move from tokenistic events to gathering real data, and providing authentic support. It is an essential piece in psychosocial risk management, because a leader who knows what’s going on with their people can take action before it’s too late. A culture of care and concern acts as a buffer against some of the stressors affecting people day-to-day.
Before you ask anything, ask yourself something first
There's a step that gets skipped in almost every guide to these conversations: checking whether you are actually in a state to talk to someone about their personal issues.
Check your own energy before you check in on theirs.
If you're running on empty, distracted, watching the clock for your next meeting, or carrying your own stress from the day, you’re not going to be in a position to hold space for someone else.
A rushed, half-present conversation can do more harm than good, because the person will pick up on it non-verbally. You may lose the opportunity to get an honest response from them, and inadvertently, you could be causing more harm than good.
Check-in with yourself first: Before you approach someone, do a 10-second gut check. Am I calm? Do I have the time? Do I have my own stress or issues that will impact the conversation and make it difficult for the other person to share?
If the answer is no, it's better to come back when you can actually be present and ready for the conversation. This doesn’t mean putting the conversation off forever. Just wait until you’re ready.
Don't ask if you're not ready. Asking "are you ok?" opens a door. If you're not ready to walk through it with the person, on their terms, at their pace, it's kinder to wait a day and prepare yourself than to ask, get an honest answer, and then visibly not know what to do with it.
Set up the environment so they can actually be honest
People don't open up just because of a question. They open up when the environment and conditions feel safe and predictable.
Privacy: Not a communal kitchen, not an open-plan desk, not somewhere a colleague could walk past. Not even a quiet cafe. You need to make sure you have a closed door, a walk outside to a quiet spot, or a Teams meeting where you’re certain there’s no-one nearby.
Quiet & unrushed: If you've got ten minutes before your next call, it might not be the best time. Block out real time where you know the next meeting won’t be on your mind, or say honestly, "I want to talk properly, can we find 30 minutes later today?"
No phones, no distractions: Small things communicate a lot. Put your phone away. Sit at an angle from the person, not facing away, and not directly across a desk, which can feel confrontational. Match their pace and give space for the words to flow.
Physical and psychological safety: Safety isn't just about the room being private. Trauma-informed safety covers physical, psychological, social and moral dimensions. Someone needs to feel safe not just from being overheard, but from being judged, dismissed, or having what they say used against them later.
How to start safely: Before the conversation, say something like: "I've got 30 minutes and nowhere else to be. This is just between us." Naming the safety out loud makes it real for the other person, not just assumed.
Compassion, not sympathy
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone from a distance, e.g. "that's so sad", while keeping a kind of emotional gap between you and them. Compassion is different.
Compassion scholar Paul Gilbert describes it as being motivated toward someone's suffering with a genuine wish to help, rather than simply feeling moved by it. Brené Brown, drawing on nursing scholar Teresa Wiseman's research, frames empathy as seeing the world through someone else's perspective without judgement, and describes compassion as empathy paired with action, the practice of relating to someone's pain and then actually doing something to ease it.
In practice, this means:
Sympathy: "Oh no, that's terrible, I feel so bad for you." It centres your reaction.
Compassion: "That sounds really hard. I'm here, and I want to understand what I can do to help you with this." It centres them, and it moves toward action.
How to show compassion: Notice your own language in the moment. If you catch yourself saying "that must be awful for you” without exploring their experience further, redirect yourself toward "tell me more" or "what's that been like for you?"
Beware of spirals
If someone shares a challenge, such as a relationship breakdown, a health scare, grief, financial stress, it's natural to feel affected. But there's a difference between being moved by someone's pain and getting pulled into it with them.
If you find yourself matching their distress, catastrophising alongside them, or reacting with your own strong emotion ("that's the worst thing I've ever heard," "I don't know how you're coping"), you can tip the conversation from being supported to both of you being overwhelmed. The person needs you to be the steady one in the room. You’re not looking to suppress your empathy, but it’s important for you both that you stay grounded enough to still be useful.
In the moment: If you notice your own heart rate rising or your thoughts racing while listening, try a quiet grounding technique before you respond. Grounding might look like a slow breath, both feet flat on the floor, or noticing the temperature of the room.
Be ready for anything and know your own limits
Once someone feels safe, they might mention anything: domestic or family violence, financial hardship, substance use, an eating difficulty, suicidal thoughts, grief, trauma from years ago, or a mental illness they've never told anyone about at work.
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It’s important to remember that you’re allowed to not be the right person to handle every one of these topics. It helps to have the language ready before you need it, so you don't freeze or fumble in the moment.
Some language that works:
"Thank you for trusting me with this. I want to be honest — this is outside what I know how to help with well, but I'm not going to leave you to figure it out alone."
This honesty, alongside practical next steps, is the part that's so often missing.
Practical take-away: Don't just hand someone a helpline number and consider the job done. "Call Lifeline" as a parting instruction can feel like being passed off. Instead, offer to help them make the call, sit with them while they do, or walk them to whoever within your organisation (HR, an Employee Assistance Program, a manager) can take the next step with them.
Have real resources ready — not just a hotline number
A national helpline is a vital safety net, especially in a crisis, but it shouldn't be the only thing on offer, and it shouldn't be handed over as though the conversation is now closed.
Build your own simple resource map before you ever need it, covering:
Your Employee Assistance Program (EAP), if your workplace has one — know the number and how referrals work.
HR or People & Culture contacts who can support with leave, flexible work, or formal processes.
A trusted manager or leader who can be looped in appropriately (see below).
National services, so you're not searching for them mid-conversation:
Lifeline — 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention)
Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636 (24/7 mental health support)
1800RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 domestic, family violence and sexual assault support)
MensLine Australia — 1300 78 99 78 (support for men)
13YARN — 13 92 76 (crisis support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples)
National Debt Helpline — 1800 007 007 (free financial counselling)
Kids Helpline — 1800 55 1800 (for anyone under 25)
In an emergency or immediate risk to life, call 000.
Practical take-away: Put this list somewhere real — a note in your phone, a printed card in your top drawer — so you're never scrambling for it in the moment. If your workplace doesn't have a clear map of internal supports, that's a conversation to raise with HR before the next Are You Ok? Day, not after.
Always escalate to HR or leaders
Supporting someone one-on-one does not mean carrying it alone. If someone discloses something serious, a risk to their safety, a workplace-related issue like bullying or harassment, or something that may require formal support (leave, adjustments, a safety plan), it might be necessary to loop in HR or a senior leader.
Practical take-away: Know your organisation's escalation pathway before you need it. Who do you call for a mental health concern versus a safety concern versus an HR/conduct issue? If you don't know, find out this week.
Keep communication open
Checking in should not be a forgotten step.
Put a reminder in your calendar to check in again with the person a few days later, and again in a few weeks.
Open the follow-up gently: "I've been thinking about you since we talked. How have you been going?"
If they haven't done anything you discussed, don't judge them for it. Sometimes just being asked again, without pressure, is what someone needs.
Keep the door open.
Check-ins: Set an actual reminder in your calendar, not just "in your head", the moment the first conversation ends so you follow up after the conversation.
Summary
Check your own energy before you check in on theirs. Don't ask if you're not ready.
Choose a private, quiet, unrushed setting, and say so out loud.
Lead with compassion (understanding + action), not sympathy (feeling sorry from a distance).
Stay grounded — don't spiral into their distress alongside them.
Be ready for anything, and have honest language prepared for when it's outside your depth.
Have real, specific resources ready, not just a phone number to hand over at the end.
Escalate to HR or leaders for anything serious, with the person's knowledge wherever possible.
Keep checking in. The conversation isn't over when you stop talking.
A note on this article: If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to one of the services listed above. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
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References
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), Practical Guide for Implementing a Trauma-Informed Approach (2023) — six principles of a trauma-informed approach: safety, trustworthiness and transparency, peer support, collaboration and mutuality, empowerment/voice/choice, and cultural/historical/gender awareness.
Gilbert, P., interviewed in Psychology Today, "Shame and Compassion: Q&A with Paul Gilbert" — on the distinction between empathy, sympathy, kindness and compassion.
Brown, B., I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) (2008), drawing on Teresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy; and Atlas of the Heart (2021) on compassion as empathy plus action.
R U OK?, How to Ask — the four-step conversation model: Ask, Listen, Encourage Action, Check In (ruok.org.au/how-to-ask).